so I'm staying...

so I'm staying in Vancouver for December,away from my home, away from the ski hill,I'm eating marginally better here, butit doesn't seem to be making any difference in how I feel.I was supposed to go back home for a week (of snowboarding at WhiteWater)before christmas, but I can't afford it,and noone has replied to my rideboard posts.So I'm staying with my parents for an entire month, and I need contact with peers.I have lots of reasons I should be happy,in fact I should feel healthy, but I don't.So my attitude (and altitude) need adjustment.ug.I feel far away from my real life,in a bubble of comfort ...which for some reason provides no comfort.

climbing slowly out of the hole...

I must stop my nihilism ...that's what's killing me.I smoke cigarettes to get in touch with my pain.I used to enjoy this, now I'm killing myself.It's all self-image: vanity, ego, fantasy...I'm watching too much tv and listening totoo much pop music, to try and close my eyesto the evil that pervades the news and reality.Escapism provides no solace though.The ache in my chest and tension in my stomachare both still there, and this is my fault.If I can accept the situations that are drivingme mad -instead of denying them, while I obsess in anguish over them-I'm sure I could find ways to effectively make some kind of difference. If I were less angry,I could effectively communicate my opinions; if I accept the things I cannot change, perhapsI will be able to motivate myself into the actionI can take. Self-defeatism is my main enemy.(though I have my suspicions that outside influencesare playing a part in my self-loathing/lack of self-love,mainly the aforementioned tv news and pop music with it's message of ANGST HATE POWERLESSNESS and FEAR )argh. Constant Vigilance! I gotta keep in mindat all times to guard against these dark feelings...I gotta remember to breathe, stretch, eat and heal.

saw 'Children o...

saw 'Children of the Revolution' last night.Really good film. About the communist partyin Australlia... and Joseph Stalin's illeg-itimate son. -much hillarity.

My hang o...

My hang over has begun to subside...the poisons I put in my body are definately a big part of the problem.I had a night out on the town last night,drinking my cheque away, again, alone...but lucked into a really good act:http://www.melaniedekker.com/(a cross between ani defranco and jewel- but with a dude on a hand drum who wasa wicked one-man percussion section)at the Backstage Lounge on Granville Island.Then there was an angsty industri-pop group called Naked For Jesus; I needed to hear some angry rock and roll at that point, so that was good. But that girl... *sigh* lost in her eyes,I guess her voice put a spell on my or something.We spoke briefly after the show and then kept smiling at each other from around the room...I suppose, in after-thought, that had I been less drunk at that point it would have been a good idea to offer her some of my pitcher, but she most likelyhad a partner... they all have partners. :(Still would have been a more pleasant conversationalistthan the fahq-ing looser I ended up with, debating global economic theory ... *sigh*I don't think I got through to him at all. But who can tell, we were both drunk. I shouldn't have spent so much on beer, some of it went to waste at the end.life seems to be full of unfortunate events. :(

I believ...

I believe.rghat...AAAAAAAAAAGHhhhhhsggggsok/ I'm having myhundred and nineteenth nervous breakdown.I've realised that the next step for meis to take my spirituality less half-assedly.I got in a bar debate with an Illuminatus tonite,a total stranger, why not debate all political andeconomic theories of the times. ... He had approxomitely 100 times the amount of money I have, was an avowed capitalist, and we both agreed and disagreed on seperate points.I've been going mad, fuck him. My points were thus:- the old and experienced have been running things for millenia, it's time for the youthful and idealistic to have a chance. We need not learn from their mistakes, just not repeat them. - once computers run everything, 12-15 year olds who know how to use (and manipulate) computers will run the show.- capitalism's only moral ethic is the bottom line.- profit has no motive to make things better for anyone.- George Bush is simply evil.he stated that I was young and naive and didn't know the first thing about what was going on ... in his defence he had some russian ethnicity in his background, so there may have been some backlash against the totalitarian version of communism.I am just angy at the fascist and megalomaniac version of totalitarianist dictatorship capitalism in which we currently live.Neither of us was right or wrong.It was just a semi-intellegent debate.I could say more. I'd rather smoke ...

Distraught, Distracted

Impassioned anger boils up within,then gets forgotten...How to be at peace without closing my eyes?Even evil has a heart - a heart of fear.Block it out. They are too powerful. What can we do? It feels hopelessbecause stewing in silent fury changes nothing.Righteous Indignation.I can do nothing about the melting pot to the south.A creeping fascism has taken overIt makes me sick.But fear does nothing but feed the problem.I should focus on my life and my healingso I can get to a point where I can make a difference.In whatever small (or large) ways.The tension in my tummy, the pain in my chest,the fevers, the aching, my sadness...Let my diet, breathing & lifestyle be the cure.I need to feel joy once again. All this tightness is things I'm holding in.The weeping hopelessness increases the painOnly acceptance and action can make a change.Not to accept that things need to be this waybut to accept the way things are, in order to move forwardinto a healthier state of being.Spring into action Human DoingHolistic Health, sanity,and an earnest desire to save the world, and it's people.ps:I saw Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine last night. Go see it. Do it now.

withdrawl symptoms ...

i'm depressed.This is the first 48 hours I've spent without smoking up in ... many moons.This morning I woke up at bloody 8am, then later, I snapped at my mom. :(Sobriety is not good for me, I am not happy.I need to be pacified, placated and get my glow onin order to function at all.Some friendly someone will come to my aid, I'm sure,or there will be a minor killing spree in Victoria, BC.I find I get so angry when I'm straight & sober,The world is fucked, and I'm too hyper-aware of it.I need my organic anti-depressent back. :(in squeaky Jeff Goldbloom from The Fly voice: ".... Hellp Meeee!"

drink the coffee, cut the roses

I'm finally finding some time to spend on reflecting... and in the quiet moments, Ican find some peace. Joy does not come easy,anymore, but it will again. Once I get my heart back into practise. I'm getting my priorities straight, working my way towardsfeeling alive again. I'm going to snowboardthis winter, yes, and as well I'm going to keep myself busy doing the things I love. I feel like I might be on the verge of "getting my shit together" as they say... but I've felt this way before, the trick isto follow through with it this time. The more time I spend listening to my heartbeat and remembering to relax and breathe, the better I will feel. Of course, food is always a major factor in life and the quality thereof; eating well for a change has remindedme what a difference nutrition really makes in health, physical, mental, emotional and spritual.As I get all these elements in order, I will beable to focus on my grand projects ...and actually make them happen!I will not pass up any opportunities to followmy dreams. the time is now. my life is real.Bring On Balance.

yuletide vibes

well, I'm here in Vancouver, hanging out with my mum,we're now drinking run & egg-nog, and after dinner,we're going to trim the norwood pine we got today.sometimes I do have Norman Rockwell-y moments in my family. It's sure been nice being here.Went to see the Chamber of Secrets last night; don't bother. Sure am looking forward to the Two Towers though.Got my cousin a gift he's just going to love today. Wheeee, I guess I'm getting into the Yule season...Happy Secular Holiday, kids. Ho Ho Ho.

I'm not touchi...

I'm not touching this with a 10 foot pole.I just realised, everyone on my 'friends' list is ppl I know from real life. Spooky.

yay, trip!

well, I'm heading to the coast for a week, to spend time with Mom, get loved and get fed.Life's been too stressful lately; it's been crazy in fact.It'll be really good for me to spend some time getting healthy again, and gain some perspective... I am free, and my dream winter is before me.I need to relax and start enjoying life again.I'm also going to Victoria to see my cousin Brandon act in a production of 'The Hobbit'which I'm especially excited about, because I did the same thing when I was 7.

fahk...

fahking November...- an evil month in between Hallowe'en and Christmas.Be gone with you! Give way to snowmen and toboggans!You had some good birthdays... but no good Holidays.Rememberance Day is a sham. Goodbye November,Good Riddance!

my web...

my webpage... i miss it so!I may just need to build myself a boxto run a server for myself to host the ol' domain... hmmm everything will be okay....everything will be okay....fuk

hyperborean.org - my domain - Is down for now

offline for about a week... :-(use teye@canada.com if you need to email me.

www.skiwhitewater.com

I have a ski pass!My winter is set now!Go Team Canada!

Sleep, good!

Today is a red-letter day...I slept in past noon for the first time in ages.My roommate actually got up before me!Now how do I do this everyday???

MUST SLEE...

MUST SLEEP!!!

d...

did some updates on hyperboreanminor, but more esthetically pleasing nowdoes anybody notice these things?

{UPS}

The webpage is up, updated, and hosted within my domain,and I am now a full member: {UPS}DoobiusLong live the United Pot Smokers clan !!!... now I just got to practise (sof2) more ;-)

I've got ...

I've got to stop waking up my roommate in the morning.It's the one thing that causes tension between us.I can fully understand, don't get me wrong, how aweful it is to have your slumber disturbed...But I haven't been able to sleep in past 9:30(8 most goddess-damned mornings!) for years.So I can't walk on eggshells in my own housefor half my day... but he says that mainly it's when I use the phone in the front hall that myvoice is what wakes him. So if I set up a phone in my room, we may have a solution.Really we are the perfect roommates for each other:we're both chronics and computer geeks...and we have similarly twisted senses of humour.I'm sure we can work around the differences in our sleeping schedules.

it began

man wanders down from mountain,decides he has something to say.but nobody listened...`til that one fateful day.