climbing slowly out of the hole...

I must stop my nihilism ...that's what's killing me.I smoke cigarettes to get in touch with my pain.I used to enjoy this, now I'm killing myself.It's all self-image: vanity, ego, fantasy...I'm watching too much tv and listening totoo much pop music, to try and close my eyesto the evil that pervades the news and reality.Escapism provides no solace though.The ache in my chest and tension in my stomachare both still there, and this is my fault.If I can accept the situations that are drivingme mad -instead of denying them, while I obsess in anguish over them-I'm sure I could find ways to effectively make some kind of difference. If I were less angry,I could effectively communicate my opinions; if I accept the things I cannot change, perhapsI will be able to motivate myself into the actionI can take. Self-defeatism is my main enemy.(though I have my suspicions that outside influencesare playing a part in my self-loathing/lack of self-love,mainly the aforementioned tv news and pop music with it's message of ANGST HATE POWERLESSNESS and FEAR )argh. Constant Vigilance! I gotta keep in mindat all times to guard against these dark feelings...I gotta remember to breathe, stretch, eat and heal.