alone in the dreary grey wet

I oughta go for a walk out in the Vancouver drizzle,but I'll probably be lazy and roll a number and watch TV.I'm staying with my parents here for the month, watching the snow report in my neck of the woods with horror, as I am missing the season opening ... (52" of powder so far!)Maybe I'm a whiney baby, maybe I'm bitching because I can.I've got it good, but I'm still being crushed by dispair.All the angst and dissatisfaction amounts to nothing,because it's all my fault for not feeling better. It's time to get off my ass and do something!If nothing else, I can write and draw to get my inner dialogue out into the world. Some manageable projects will manifest themselves.But strangely, I'm still starving, though I now have access to food. Perhaps I have an eating disorder: the one where I'm too disordered to get my shit together and cook! Argh. Self-love ain't easy. I'll stop complaining though, and try to get into the holiday spirit... but I need peers, and ppl my own age to talk to here!I'm loosing my mind watching Muchmusic all day and listening to angst-poppy alt.rock radio. Maybe I should be reading and meditating, but I'm bored! Better than real life though I suppose, if I were at home, I'd just be getting high with my roommate and starving, because I spend all my money on smokes. Maybe I'll write a long post soon and explain my recent life to those of you who don't know where I'm coming from...Fuck it, I'm getting out of here. Maybe I'll just take the family dog for a walk.Email me and tell me you still love me, anyone.

so I'm staying...

so I'm staying in Vancouver for December,away from my home, away from the ski hill,I'm eating marginally better here, butit doesn't seem to be making any difference in how I feel.I was supposed to go back home for a week (of snowboarding at WhiteWater)before christmas, but I can't afford it,and noone has replied to my rideboard posts.So I'm staying with my parents for an entire month, and I need contact with peers.I have lots of reasons I should be happy,in fact I should feel healthy, but I don't.So my attitude (and altitude) need adjustment.ug.I feel far away from my real life,in a bubble of comfort ...which for some reason provides no comfort.

climbing slowly out of the hole...

I must stop my nihilism ...that's what's killing me.I smoke cigarettes to get in touch with my pain.I used to enjoy this, now I'm killing myself.It's all self-image: vanity, ego, fantasy...I'm watching too much tv and listening totoo much pop music, to try and close my eyesto the evil that pervades the news and reality.Escapism provides no solace though.The ache in my chest and tension in my stomachare both still there, and this is my fault.If I can accept the situations that are drivingme mad -instead of denying them, while I obsess in anguish over them-I'm sure I could find ways to effectively make some kind of difference. If I were less angry,I could effectively communicate my opinions; if I accept the things I cannot change, perhapsI will be able to motivate myself into the actionI can take. Self-defeatism is my main enemy.(though I have my suspicions that outside influencesare playing a part in my self-loathing/lack of self-love,mainly the aforementioned tv news and pop music with it's message of ANGST HATE POWERLESSNESS and FEAR )argh. Constant Vigilance! I gotta keep in mindat all times to guard against these dark feelings...I gotta remember to breathe, stretch, eat and heal.

saw 'Children o...

saw 'Children of the Revolution' last night.Really good film. About the communist partyin Australlia... and Joseph Stalin's illeg-itimate son. -much hillarity.

My hang o...

My hang over has begun to subside...the poisons I put in my body are definately a big part of the problem.I had a night out on the town last night,drinking my cheque away, again, alone...but lucked into a really good act:http://www.melaniedekker.com/(a cross between ani defranco and jewel- but with a dude on a hand drum who wasa wicked one-man percussion section)at the Backstage Lounge on Granville Island.Then there was an angsty industri-pop group called Naked For Jesus; I needed to hear some angry rock and roll at that point, so that was good. But that girl... *sigh* lost in her eyes,I guess her voice put a spell on my or something.We spoke briefly after the show and then kept smiling at each other from around the room...I suppose, in after-thought, that had I been less drunk at that point it would have been a good idea to offer her some of my pitcher, but she most likelyhad a partner... they all have partners. :(Still would have been a more pleasant conversationalistthan the fahq-ing looser I ended up with, debating global economic theory ... *sigh*I don't think I got through to him at all. But who can tell, we were both drunk. I shouldn't have spent so much on beer, some of it went to waste at the end.life seems to be full of unfortunate events. :(

I believ...

I believe.rghat...AAAAAAAAAAGHhhhhhsggggsok/ I'm having myhundred and nineteenth nervous breakdown.I've realised that the next step for meis to take my spirituality less half-assedly.I got in a bar debate with an Illuminatus tonite,a total stranger, why not debate all political andeconomic theories of the times. ... He had approxomitely 100 times the amount of money I have, was an avowed capitalist, and we both agreed and disagreed on seperate points.I've been going mad, fuck him. My points were thus:- the old and experienced have been running things for millenia, it's time for the youthful and idealistic to have a chance. We need not learn from their mistakes, just not repeat them. - once computers run everything, 12-15 year olds who know how to use (and manipulate) computers will run the show.- capitalism's only moral ethic is the bottom line.- profit has no motive to make things better for anyone.- George Bush is simply evil.he stated that I was young and naive and didn't know the first thing about what was going on ... in his defence he had some russian ethnicity in his background, so there may have been some backlash against the totalitarian version of communism.I am just angy at the fascist and megalomaniac version of totalitarianist dictatorship capitalism in which we currently live.Neither of us was right or wrong.It was just a semi-intellegent debate.I could say more. I'd rather smoke ...

Distraught, Distracted

Impassioned anger boils up within,then gets forgotten...How to be at peace without closing my eyes?Even evil has a heart - a heart of fear.Block it out. They are too powerful. What can we do? It feels hopelessbecause stewing in silent fury changes nothing.Righteous Indignation.I can do nothing about the melting pot to the south.A creeping fascism has taken overIt makes me sick.But fear does nothing but feed the problem.I should focus on my life and my healingso I can get to a point where I can make a difference.In whatever small (or large) ways.The tension in my tummy, the pain in my chest,the fevers, the aching, my sadness...Let my diet, breathing & lifestyle be the cure.I need to feel joy once again. All this tightness is things I'm holding in.The weeping hopelessness increases the painOnly acceptance and action can make a change.Not to accept that things need to be this waybut to accept the way things are, in order to move forwardinto a healthier state of being.Spring into action Human DoingHolistic Health, sanity,and an earnest desire to save the world, and it's people.ps:I saw Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine last night. Go see it. Do it now.